Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
