In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
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He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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