my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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