You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
