I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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