oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
