I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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