wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
