upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
