so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
