I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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