Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
