Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
