speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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