There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
