I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
