it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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