can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
