You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
