Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
