I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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