I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
