wake up i wanna do it froggy style
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
