god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
