I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
