Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Randomize
