apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
