I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
