85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
