my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
