I smell stomach acid.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
