There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
