What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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