just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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