I just made out with a guy for $7.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
