God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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