I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
