My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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