You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
