If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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