Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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