I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Floor bacon is actually really good
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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