pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You took a bar mat shot.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize