Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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