Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
