I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
