I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
