I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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