when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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