Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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