im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
