I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
