Whod you bang
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at