remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I told you penises don't tan
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
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Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.