I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
