I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
