Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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