you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
