there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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