worst night to have a conscience
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
