the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
